Numb.

I feel numb. I feel like I'm not even here in this world but that I am watching everyone around me go through life easily and happily. I hate this feeling and I'm sure the people around me hate it, too. You know that part in every movie where there is no music and no sound, just the main character narrating about his/her problems and what they need to do to fix it? I am at that point in the movie of my life. I am so stressed all the time and it's not just money. It's our new puppy, it's where I live, it's the things that I do and say. Thinking about what I was going to write on here today has really got me thinking about my life for the past few months and how God is really convicting me right now. It's so sad and embarrassing to say that I don't depend on him enough, but it's true. I don't. I catch myself in a trance during the day just going through the motions when I should be conversing with him every day, every hour, every minute, every second. Instead, I put him on the back burner and when I realize that I'm not going to be able to pay a bill on time or let someone down, I pray. Wow! How childish and unchristian-like of me. It's like, "Hey God! I know that I have a problem and that I won't be able to pay this bill, but let me try to figure it out for myself and then when I realize I can't do it on my own, ask you for help." What a low blow. The great thing about God is...he is an Almighty, forgiving God and he knows I am a sinful, unworthy human and He knows I am going to keep failing Him. But it's not okay with me. It's not going to be a complete 180 degree turn around for me, but when is it ever? I can say this...I am more at home in my church now than I have ever been, Justin and I have started reading the Bible together every night (another embarrassing confession, we haven't been doing this and we have been married for a year and 4 months...), and I have been praying for my loved ones that don't know Christ and those who do. My walk-no-crawl with God is gradually picking up speed. I should be in a full on run with God--100MPH--if you will, right now I am at about a 3MPH crawl. Ouch. I pray that one day I will be where I need to be and that on judgement day I can tell God everything I have done for him. I pray I don't die anytime soon...not because I am scared of death or because I love it here on Earth, but because I am embarrassed of standing before someone so powerful and someone so worthy of praise and saying, "I have done nothing to expand Your Kingdom." So, here starts my slow 180 degree turn for God. No more trances. No more putting Him on the back burner. No more letting people down. No more.

7If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. -John 15:7

Thanks for reading!
Meg